So I don't love him... he doesn't even know his own self-worth!

I attended a Diversity Committee meeting on campus last night and it was great. I miss people of color and real people who aren't afraid to talk about color... let me hear your stories. I'm glad I did.. I had so much on my chest and I didn't know it. I also realize that I'm a strong human being and that I'm detrimental to my own self because I internalize.. I need an outlook and I love Guitsy.. He's been great and I'm glad he challenges me and I'm glad I challenge him to talk about race... it hurts him too.. he's the color and gender of the oppressor and it beats down on him too because he's not an oppressor, he's been oppressed too.. dang......................................... racism sucks

I love him!

People Places Things

I still love this kid.... Man. I told him everything. I've never been so honest with anyone and he held my pain. The pain afflicted by the outside world and the internal world that I call myself. He held it. All. Even though the weight got heavy and he got distant..why did he come back to hold it? loneliness..possiblly... guilt..mostly.... love..I sure hope so... Until then I'm perfectly happy being with my best friend.....until we can both figure out what that means...

My new Woman crush......

Modern Girl

I've been so weird lately... I don't know, I've been beside myself for days... My 32nd birthday was a bust... no one remembered but the office that i work at, they have a file for that. ha! My first year without my mother... rough.. rough.. rough.. rough but I'm getting through it everyday. Distancing myself from people, trying to make money to get out of here. Last night was weird, always weird when I'm around him, so I play dumb.. I'll keep playing dumb because I don't want you, and you apologize for picking up the phone because she kept calling but it's because you're still with her, you numb-nut! I've decided to stay out of people's affair if it doesn't directly affect me so...... everyday I fall out of sync with you until one day there will be nothing left that'll keep us together......

Lost Horizon

Funny! So yeah, this guy that I've been seeing broke up with me again for the second time and this time last night, I've had enough. I'm a bit heartbroken due to him being the constant stable object in my life at the moment. My family has fallen apart. But yeah, and to make matters worse, I told my supervisor earlier this morning at an event this morning I was helping her with that he broke up with me last night and he wasn't even my boyfriend and she asked on a scale of 1-10 and I started crying...... I ended up not having to stay for the event and as I'm heading to my car, I would have rather seen him but instead I saw her.... HER!!!!!!? you suck, Guitsy!

Guilt...

It's interesting reading the post before because it blows away everything that I was feeling/thinking, I can never tell anymore...

So I hooked up with Max a couple of nights ago. It was interesting.. I wanted to get piped and/or be bad, I guess ... I'm a sexual person and I shouldn't be afraid of it... If only I could find someone other than Max... I should just be alone... He asked me to go to lunch with him later today, I told him I'd let him know, but I won't... ha I sort of feel like shit because I know Mikey saw his car parked outside his house or maybe it's guilt. I really liked Mikey. It just went extremely slow loaded with uncertainty and lack of clarity in where we stood. Maybe I'm just impatient or the lack of meeting someone nice has made me paranoid. I don't think I'm paranoid. I think I liked this kid and couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to hang out with me. I should be alone this break. Get things together. I'll be moving soon ): I'm so excited (:

So last night, I started officially working at Wild Dreams. I short-changed one guy. I was a bit nervous and he was my first customer ha. I wish he said something; he counted it after. I think the pennies got me.. blaah... Watch that, you can count! ha But it was pretty much dead, just a few guys in the booths ha So Max asked, if I'd get turned on by the sounds of the booths in the back, I said No, but hearing a gasp escaping from one of the patrons, solidified it: turned off ha Sort of gross but that's what this establishment is all about.. Adult Entertainment.

Okay, I should go back to sleep.. to dream happy dreams or perhaps to dream at all