Guilt...

It's interesting reading the post before because it blows away everything that I was feeling/thinking, I can never tell anymore...

So I hooked up with Max a couple of nights ago. It was interesting.. I wanted to get piped and/or be bad, I guess ... I'm a sexual person and I shouldn't be afraid of it... If only I could find someone other than Max... I should just be alone... He asked me to go to lunch with him later today, I told him I'd let him know, but I won't... ha I sort of feel like shit because I know Mikey saw his car parked outside his house or maybe it's guilt. I really liked Mikey. It just went extremely slow loaded with uncertainty and lack of clarity in where we stood. Maybe I'm just impatient or the lack of meeting someone nice has made me paranoid. I don't think I'm paranoid. I think I liked this kid and couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to hang out with me. I should be alone this break. Get things together. I'll be moving soon ): I'm so excited (:

So last night, I started officially working at Wild Dreams. I short-changed one guy. I was a bit nervous and he was my first customer ha. I wish he said something; he counted it after. I think the pennies got me.. blaah... Watch that, you can count! ha But it was pretty much dead, just a few guys in the booths ha So Max asked, if I'd get turned on by the sounds of the booths in the back, I said No, but hearing a gasp escaping from one of the patrons, solidified it: turned off ha Sort of gross but that's what this establishment is all about.. Adult Entertainment.

Okay, I should go back to sleep.. to dream happy dreams or perhaps to dream at all

"That's That"

I don't get it! I swear, I don't get it. I'm done chasing boys. I feel like i exerted too much energy in getting this kid to like me, to touch me, to want me, to lust over me, to sleep with me, to laugh with me, to dance with me, to be with me........

I've been trying something new.... getting to know someone on a deeper level but it doesn't seem to work for me... I'm not a good girl and playing the role of a good girl is hurting my confidence. I've never met a guy that wouldn't sleep with me. I've met a guy who refused to sleep with me again but it was different, he was still very affection towards me. He'd still take me drinking, still place me upon his arm, parade me in front of his friends and I too, gave it back to him. I could flirt with any guy of my choice but I knew at the end of the night, I was walking home with him, arms locked, total bliss.....

I keep feeling bad... I'm bad.... bad.... bad..... bad.... bad.... bad.... bad....

"I feel it in my blue suedes"

Today...Yesterday was an emotional paradox... It started off with neglect from Mikey Da Great..... and then eye care giving me the run around... me not finishing up the reading before work... getting an awesome raincoat from Penny (; to my new nephew being born..... i need some sleep

Meet Idris Knox M. (:

"A scattered brain with scattered thoughts, make for a scattered table" - from Lookmanmojeed.com

Sums up how I'm feeling at the moment. I bombed my paper... a boy... dang! I need to get it all together.

This is my last year and I'm letting it all slip away. I'm just going to say, it's probably due to all the recent shifts in my life. I broke off my sexual relationship with Max; I quit my laundromat job, I'm taking three classes that I don't need and all is time consuming; I'm taking on a task for Kate at work; I started hanging and also thinking about the boy from across the street.... Agh! I need to get it together.

They (City or landlord) cut down the beautiful tree in front of our house, making it look barrenly cold and openly lonely. I feel like I'm on display... No more shade, no more warmth, no more grace, no more strength, no more beauty. It's been a rough couple of weeks....

"I'm begging you to be my escape"

I feel like shit. I'm unsure if it's because this weekend was a bit consuming or hanging out with Max over the weekend has brought my mood down. I'm guessing the first because I felt like I was on top of the world on Sunday, so i'm guessing I'm getting sick. I'm also feeling like I don't trust a lot of people mostly the ones that live the closes. Crazy. I'm really stating to resent people. wow! I know it isn't jealousy and I don't really feel like discussing it. It seems that my morals are being tested. I'm not an unfair person but people are are convincing me that I am selfish. I think about my well-being but I also factor in how others feel but I need to start thinking of myself mostly. I told Max that over the weekend and maybe i miss interrupted his question or he was looking for some other answer. But I'm not going to off pissing people off. If i want to help or change the system, I've realized that i need to change it from within. Maybe, I am bummed about Max. ha! I think I'm just overwhelmed and in need of a break and it seems that next weekend is going to be another consuming one. I'm thinking about getting my nipples pierced tomorrow. Maybe that'll put me in a better mood.