Breakneck Speed

It's sad when you know that your roommate is avoiding you. But it's even worse when you don't know the reason. I shouldn't care so much but it just hurts to know that someone who sleeps so close could be so dangerous. I'm moving out in december and she probably wont know of this until that day.

I'm so over dorm life. I need to start my life. Find a job in the process so i'll be financially stable for awhile and able to save for the next adventure in life. I'm a little nervous. I don't have much saved up but i might have enough for a deposit if i decide not to go home for thanksgiving. I need a J-O-B, like fast!..

I can't wait to live on my own. It's about time, you know.

Her name is Jenn

So i have a new friend. I don't know what to make of her yet but i do know i sort of like her. We met at a mutal friend's place and then i ran in to her at the Koffee Kat today as we sat and talked awhile. I don't know man i like her. She seems like me a free spirit from Montana even thou i'm not from Montana but i am a free spirit.

She's a virgo. What is up with me and Virgos and she with Scorpios; she has many of them as friends. So we're going to hang out next wednesday night and i'm really looking forward to it. Once again I don't know but i really like her. Ha! yeah so i guess it's alright since i made a decision to stay here for another year... gives me sometime to get my shit togther....

On the other side....

Man, Johnny why did you have to leave so soon... i never got to say bye or ask how you were. It just breaks my heart to know that i won't be able to have that chance. I don't know how to take this, how to process it... it feels so unreal and i don't want to believe it... sorry... you didn't have to go out like that... i'm so angry! so very angry... you were an awesome person and i will never forget all the fun times we shared.... i can't believe that you've left us.. all the people you've touched in such a short time... rip friend... i'm going to miss knowing you're around... i love you old friend and i miss you already♥!..never forgotten always remembered♥!..r.i.p Johnny aka Puff♥!.....

Leech Mansion

It's really sad to hear that someone dies, especially way to young, and to find out that he was a fellow cyclists.

I wish i could have met you, everyone seems genuinely touched by you in such a short time. I guess we'll make it up when we meet again. Ride safe wherever you are, Bryan<3!

new years eve(l)

so once again i find myself engulfed in self pity it seems to sort of come off natural nowadays. What am i doing? i'm so baffled about everything i wish i could just run away just for a little while you know. Just to get out of my head........ i need to read something uplifting i've lost my mind.....

Storms...

So today will be another cut day for me... I don't know why i feel this way well i sort of know why because i also get this way when the weather changes. my moods are sort of connected, with its highs and lows and lows and even lower. I should at least go to French class today but I'm not motivated at all....

I'm a little sick and i guess drained out this is week two and i already feel like its the middle of the semester, i started out strong and took on so many things and i guess its safe to say that I'm not as young as i used to be.. i need to prioritize... I'm glad i was cut from the school's softball team... it demanded too much of me.....

I'll give myself today and yesterday but Monday i have to be well rested and back on that daily grind.. it's to early in the semester to have an episode........

"even soldiers catch their breath"......

Cast Spells

Man, my summer is ending well.. i think, personally it's going to be a good semester.... friends wise and hopefully school wise as well...lol

Man, Dave Davidson you are a very talented human being... And i don't understand why you talk to me?.. ha i don't know, i'm not nearly as fascinating as you. Ha i guess thanx for seeing... me.... blaah!

"And i'll be carrying flowers, like a soldier holds a gun"....

Back in da Hood.....

Man, i never thought i'd say this... It feels good to be back in Hood Hall... rip 88 Broad and summer '10. you were fun, at times... but I'm so over it. I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to fall semester. I need to look into scholarships, man, college is becoming expansive.. ha and i need to find a job.... asap.

Our room is coming along and this time i decided to organize my clothes.. why do i have so much clothes?!.. it's unnecessary, i tell you, I need to sell.. i could use the money and the space.....

baaked....

In that note, i would like to welcome fall semester '10..This is make it or break it so I'm going to have to kick some ass... i got this, i got this..blaah.

haters...

the world is full of them man, and i am one to talk... but Wilber is always shitting on Apple..he can't appreciate the beauty of technology ha... man i want an iPad. Trice has one and it's hottt, plus it would fit perfectly in my life...

it's funny on how I wish i to go back to when i was younger the time where i wished to be grown... fun times man... when there were no worries and only great times.. good ol' Brooklyn; life in Fort Greene... wouldn't trade it in for the world.... Listening to wu-tang just makes me want to go back ha.. it's been awhile man...

so on Tuesday before noon i need to be out of this apartment.. I'm pretty psyched about moving back in to the dorms i just hate doing the packing and repacking thing. this past year i've literally been trapped in the limbo. so I'm looking forward to be consistently in one place for awhile.. to get my self situated and away from life of uncertainty.. I am ready to find my true self.... blaaaaah

i need to do more lengthy post, i never want to elaborate my thoughts or express my feelings...it would help me stay out of my head you know. Give myself a break and see the whole picture instead of what i believe have importance. So I'm trying out for the softball team... i should start running so i wont embarrass myself at try-outs.... i got this.. well i'm a little afraid since its been a long time since I've played. so I'm extremely rusty. so this is going to be fun ha blaah i just i got to not psyche myself out... The worst thing they can say is we don't need you.. ha devastating. Well it is what it is man... i hope they don't drug test me ha yeah i would definitely fail.. that would suck man......

"raw like cocaine straight from Boliva"....

We lack science...

so this time home has once again been an experience on so many levels but I'm glad that I'm leaving off, thankfully on top of them.. ha! I can't believe that I'm looking forward to heading back to Ol' Plattsburgh..i guess it's just relaxing there, with no worries and just life.... see you in the North Country♥!.. Blaah!...

F'in Rad

I need to get my life back.. ever since my plane landed at the JFK airport sunday morning, i've been really beside myself. I wish i could have stayed in San FRancisco. Being home makes me ready to head back to Plattsburgh.. If it wasn't for my nephew's birthday party i would have already been on a train northbound. Until we meet again hopefully next summer San Francisco but until then i need to shake this feeling of depression and take ahold of my life......

These Days....

It's so funny or so inspiring that i've finally regained myself back... i'm not all that needy like i was before and i have this new confidence that just reminds me of when i was young... i'm loving life again and i can't wait to head to San Francisco on Saturday.. YAY thats going to be pretty kick ass..... i'm in love with myself again and i plan on taking this ride to the top.. so meet me there.HA!.....

Ghost.....

so it's official i'm heading home on Monday.... i need to get my leg healed and i want to spend time with my mother before i'm stuck here in Plattsburgh for another three months....

ahhh this AC in the library feels sooo good... i'm hoping i can suck up as much cool air before heading back to my apartment that feels like a sauna sitting in an oven...

10 page paper report to be typed and finished so i can just sit back and read "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", Ken Kesey is the man, man!..ha

Burial

so i quit my job yesterday and i'm still recovering from my injury but life seems good at the moment. It's something about getting up at 5 in the morning to watch subterranean for some new music, which is making me feel like this summer might not be at all a waste. I got injured i hated my job and i felt my summer slipping away... So maybe i'll stick around Plattsburgh for awhile and then head my way home at the end of the month and hopefully find myself on the west coast by then... I think things may start to look up from here...sooo let's see how long this last....

Last Songs....

Man life is amazing♥!!!.... i have that feeling once again... this is going to be good...

So last night we had another one of our house parties but this time Wilber got waaay too trashed.. not a good look man.. Panha was pissed and angrily told everyone to leave when i already told them they had to go.. ha what a night man... I'm so happy that my leg is healing i can move around without the crutches but i still keep them near just in case... I adore Tom♥! he is the raddest kid i know right now.... I haven't met any in a really really long time..So last night Tom brought back some awesome bud (the hairs and crystals are well defined with a strong skunky citrus mint scent)...YUMMIE♥! ha and today is his Birthday...Happy Birthday Kiddo♥!.. so basically thats all i've been doing while on disability which is lame but i have gotten a lot of work done and i plan on doing some more work....Back to real life tomorrow when i return to class and work... I wish i could have went to class though...blah!

Well Tom and I just finished smoking a bowl and i'm really liking this bud.. so good..... anyway, I truly appreciate the people that i've surrounded myself with lately... they make me happy or maybe it's just that i am happy...finally i'm happy

Spoke to my niece earlier this afternoon she's heading to camp tomorrow and hopefully she'll send me out a letter soon..We've been writing to each other... I'm going to make her a heart design bracelet... Panha has made me a work board to keep me busy while i've been confined to this house.. i've made three bracelets so far....i'm on a roll..ha!

i love my family and i adore my roommates♥!

Where are your wings?!.....

I could listen to this song on heavy rotation<3... it's so beautiful. it just makes this three day disability a walk through the park. This isolation wont keep me down as long as this plays into my ears, i'm all goodzz....

So i'm not going to dwell so much on this whole thing because it has its perks.. i can relax, rest, read, write, find music to love.... just like my old life while not neglecting my studies...

I've been so i don't know.... just hating everything like my job. I feel this week is going to be pretty rad. hopefully when i go in on monday they'll give me some substantial work to complete for a change. ...........................................................................................................

I just rolled the prefect joint im so proud of myself.. today is starting off pretty chill already....

Double Entry...

I was feeling a little better about life until the meeting i had with my boss and her boss this afternoon... I already knew it.. I'm an easy read of people, i swear sometimes... i think I'm just going to lay low for awhile and not be seen until I'm ready...you cloud my judgement...sometimes

Island, IS

So I'm back at despair...sadly... i need to get away, just for awhile...

For Sebastian From A Friend......

I want my mommie back...my sweet sweet mother. it's not the same, you're not the same and i'm not the same...like before.....

DARK RIFT......

AHH! what was that about?!!.. Last week was entirely enriched with stress. It was as if that terrible energy was at a pull for my existences.not cool...

I'm really starting to consider that maybe after my last two semesters here as an undergrad maybe it's time for my own apartment. so I need to start looking for one. I can't live with MEAT eaters especially tons of them.. They eat meat EVERYDAY.. sooo grossss.. i know, i know i'm just being one of those vegans but the germs we share or more like it the germs they're sharing with me... makes me grossed out to wonder..i wish they were at least Vegetarians...ha my life.... well anyway i'm going to change the subject before i am forced to not eat because of this constant reminder...


blah blah blah i've been so stressed about everything, mom; being sick and me not being there, me; trying to start a my new life out here for awhile.. but i'm still so excited and last week just bombarded me with tiredness... hopefully this upcoming week will be better... i haven't been a real adult so....this working and going to school stuff has gotten the best of me.. i need to start taking those vitamins again and watching my diet... but tonite i've decided to hang out and hit up this cupcake contest.. 5 buck and all you can eat..lmao... i hope there's tons of vegan cupcakes to choose from...lol

my new playlist is coming along...niiicely

this air...

i've made a fool of myself in front of you with my extemporaneous behavior and I entreat to justify my actions... When i proposed the notion of running for Mr. Plattsburgh, was not to offend you or ridicule you it was to galvanize. You're a hidden talent, sort of like that gem people have discussed of finding, and i wanted to share that and that I acknowledge your existence....

When the Rain comes...

i miss you so much and i'm sorry for leaving you....get better so i can wrap my arms around you♥!!!!!......

I held on to the hopes of holding you....

I told myself i'll leave you alone but after you insisted on accompanying me to the Downer last night i couldn't resist...ha! We talked all night about philosophy while we sipped on Dream Tea... i might have dreamt about you last night but maybe i forced myself to.. who knows but i think it was real cute of you to stop by today to ask how my dreams were.. so once again whyyyyy are you only 19?!!!!!!... just my luck lmao

Surprise Party...

I totally bombed my poetry exam!.... so upsetting.. i should have reviewed over spring break but yet i didn't because I'm terrible so i think I'll be kissing that A goodbye... it's crunch time... 7 weeks left of the semester and i plan on kicking butt... I'm here for a reason and i want to stay here and get this part of my life done with!!!! so I'll be up studying tonight good thing i don't have class until 11 tomorrow if my professor doesn't cancel it again which i wish he would i could get so much work done if he does...

oooh and I'm in love again....... GROWN UPS♥!---- are my new favorite band........

An Opportunity.....(how appropriate)

I don't get why you care so much when all it seems to me is that you just enjoy putting me down.. for once give me inspiration give me strength.. accept me for who i am and not who you think you want me to be.......

together in hopes....

i feel like something big is about to happen..........

I totally copped out of German Literature when my professor went on a rambling of injustice and directed the question to me about should we get involved and i responded with an "I don't know"... what i should have said was what types of involvement are you referring to.. Haiti is a touchy subject when you ask should we get involved i think we shouldn't forget about Haiti and their people because of the fact that they are still hungry and afraid but i don't understand the level of your involvement... i would personally love to travel over there and try to rebuild their cities, teach their children but i don't want to force my beliefs or model their government to be run like the government i've despised for as long as i can remember. when you asked an American if they want to get involved they usually want to change the structure of a country's government with theirs in mind. Which is a terrible idea because Haitian life is very different from American life and they have always lived their lives in this manner so its up to them to figure out what they want out of their government but with this comes rebels sooo this makes it extremely sticky. I believe maybe a little supervision but not to the point where we are calling all the shots but honestly i truly don't know......

nobody here to accept the golden reward....

Ah!, i'm at a writers block i can't write i can't read i'm exhausted and i feel as if it's beginning to take a toll on my academic career... Maybe i should disappear from the spotlight just for awhile just until i get my writing and sleeping patterns back on track... ahh in other words i need to remember why i am here and stop focusing on things that shouldn't be my main concern.. haha i can't believe i've joined five different clubs on campus am i trying to find myself through this. so lost so lost where will my selves meet again... i thought this transit was going to be of opportunities and self realization but all i feel is extraversion and despair ... i don't think i'm heading to the TAWS meeting at 7 tonight.... i have soooo much homework to do today!!!!!!


This kid, Tom, who lives in the suite next door is pretty frickin groovie man, we walked to our backyard of woods sat on a frozen lake and smoked a spliff as we revealed our inner selves.. i think i've just found my best friend...

Today was quite weird.. i tanked at the off guarded question my Poetry Professor asked, more or less because i woke up 15 mins before class started, so at the moment i was just there but my mind didn't come in until a half hour after the question was posed.... Ahh at least ANdrew Jerome makes me happy ♥.. even thou he gave me the wrong reading assignment the other day..hahaha

so hanging around the coffee camp today i met an interesting fellow, Fred, who has 5 kids. He proceeding to tell me about his wife, who he's still madly in love with, and how they are in a rut right now. He was very friendly and i guess i have such an inviting face that draws people in and they want to stay around for awhile... who knows but yeah today was very interesting.. i got semi amount of homework done but not as much as i intended on getting done with my studies today.. now i'm back in my room from having dinner with Erik and Andrew which was pretty kick ass.. i'm loving school and the people that i've been coming in contact with in these past two weeks..... could i make this home?.....i don't know

As i sit here with one shoe on and the other off, pondering on how people formulate their opinions on illusions, to be so judgemental.. Don't get me wrong i try not to make assumptions until i have the whole truth or in some cases the facts... My roommate informed me about a little discussion that another friend of ours had about vegan/vegetarians at lunch yesterday and i came up in this debate. she couldn't fathom the idea on why a 9 year old would want to be a vegetarian or a vegan, referring to me but what she doesn't know is what you see of me is not what you'll get, I'm a illusion, i say this because when a person meets me for the first time they believe that i am around 18 to 20 but usually people are considerate and hike up my age to 22.. so i guess our friend thinks I'm around the age of 17 and i thank her for that... i would answer the question of vegetarians/vegans simply, a lot of kids do not enjoy eating meat growing up or just in general, some children are grotesque by the thought and others are scarred when they understood the correlation of life and death or maybe their parents are vegans/vegetarians themselves. There are many reasons why children become Vegetarians/vegans at an early age but sadly i wasn't one of those children, Jenna... i was an adult when i made the decision and i am very happy with the choice i made.

Ever feel as if you are lost within the space and time or even lost between the space and time of specks of snow flurries?

That's how i feel at the moment.. i know that's a strange way to look at it but if you understand what I'm getting at you'll understand my question. I've been a floater and i tend to forget why i am here... i know i truly want to become a better writer just like the greats before me and it seems as if i am on my way due to suffering from chronic despair which is essential to all writers... ha.. Jonathan Culler believes the Author's life is very important to a text of writing where as Roland Barthes believes that the author isn't important it's more about the readers interpretation of their style of writing and how the reader interprets it.


but i agree that "life never does more than imitate the book, and the book itself is only a tissue of signs," ........ i speak in riddles that only i can possibly decode but do i really want you to decode me?..... life is more like mystery well to me that is and it's what you make it or in Barthes case, the connection of space and time...... so am i the space and time?...lol


i wish i would have brought i ♥ huckabees dvd with me.. i need a little existentialism in my life right now

never meant.......

i don't know why I always set myself up for this or feel bad by an outcome.. why can't people grow up.. like seriously grow up.. i will never know and i will never know why i feel in the first place, not in general but why do i feel when you get me upset.. why do i even care i don't even like you like that but for some strange reason i always feel nausea.... man man man man.. tomorrow will be better....

just needed to get that off my chest.....

Back in school

SO I'm officially back in school and i find myself studying now at Plattsburgh State... yes my friends i finally went away to college...hahaha I'm loving it so far, my roommate is awesome, my suite mates are cool and my classes are amazing even thou i have quite a load on my hands... I'm taking 6 courses 5 which are English classes and 1 journalism class... So I'm going to be pretty busy this semester. umm what else is new... i just ordered a macbook pro and patiently awaiting its arrival.. YAY!!!! ummm i live an hour away from Montreal.. ummm I'm broke (well that's nothing new)... umm it just dawned on me that I've been out of school for 2 years... and i guess that is about it so far.. hopefully once i get my hands on my macbook i think you'll start hearing a lot from me plus i don't get the whole tumblr thing as yet well i get it but no one wants to follow any of my blogs hahaha i guess I'm not cool enough and plus my page never sticks to one topic except for my vegan recipe page other than that I'm all over the place but on here, blogspot, is where i can really let my hair down and say what ever i please and not care if the world is reading.. i guess... well i have tons and tons of material to read but I'll keep in touch more... haha