"That's That"

I don't get it! I swear, I don't get it. I'm done chasing boys. I feel like i exerted too much energy in getting this kid to like me, to touch me, to want me, to lust over me, to sleep with me, to laugh with me, to dance with me, to be with me........

I've been trying something new.... getting to know someone on a deeper level but it doesn't seem to work for me... I'm not a good girl and playing the role of a good girl is hurting my confidence. I've never met a guy that wouldn't sleep with me. I've met a guy who refused to sleep with me again but it was different, he was still very affection towards me. He'd still take me drinking, still place me upon his arm, parade me in front of his friends and I too, gave it back to him. I could flirt with any guy of my choice but I knew at the end of the night, I was walking home with him, arms locked, total bliss.....

I keep feeling bad... I'm bad.... bad.... bad..... bad.... bad.... bad.... bad....

"I feel it in my blue suedes"

Today...Yesterday was an emotional paradox... It started off with neglect from Mikey Da Great..... and then eye care giving me the run around... me not finishing up the reading before work... getting an awesome raincoat from Penny (; to my new nephew being born..... i need some sleep

Meet Idris Knox M. (:

"A scattered brain with scattered thoughts, make for a scattered table" - from Lookmanmojeed.com

Sums up how I'm feeling at the moment. I bombed my paper... a boy... dang! I need to get it all together.

This is my last year and I'm letting it all slip away. I'm just going to say, it's probably due to all the recent shifts in my life. I broke off my sexual relationship with Max; I quit my laundromat job, I'm taking three classes that I don't need and all is time consuming; I'm taking on a task for Kate at work; I started hanging and also thinking about the boy from across the street.... Agh! I need to get it together.

They (City or landlord) cut down the beautiful tree in front of our house, making it look barrenly cold and openly lonely. I feel like I'm on display... No more shade, no more warmth, no more grace, no more strength, no more beauty. It's been a rough couple of weeks....

"I'm begging you to be my escape"

I feel like shit. I'm unsure if it's because this weekend was a bit consuming or hanging out with Max over the weekend has brought my mood down. I'm guessing the first because I felt like I was on top of the world on Sunday, so i'm guessing I'm getting sick. I'm also feeling like I don't trust a lot of people mostly the ones that live the closes. Crazy. I'm really stating to resent people. wow! I know it isn't jealousy and I don't really feel like discussing it. It seems that my morals are being tested. I'm not an unfair person but people are are convincing me that I am selfish. I think about my well-being but I also factor in how others feel but I need to start thinking of myself mostly. I told Max that over the weekend and maybe i miss interrupted his question or he was looking for some other answer. But I'm not going to off pissing people off. If i want to help or change the system, I've realized that i need to change it from within. Maybe, I am bummed about Max. ha! I think I'm just overwhelmed and in need of a break and it seems that next weekend is going to be another consuming one. I'm thinking about getting my nipples pierced tomorrow. Maybe that'll put me in a better mood.

"Oh Man"

What am I searching for? I have a feeling, I'm missing the big picture of an inside joke. I'm pretty sure this is going somewhere. I hooked up with my recent ex-boyfriend yesterday, after being somewhat aggressive, spamming his inbox ha. Geez, I hope it's not my biological clock ticking... Is it true? Dirty thirty? ha I don't know but that's not cool. Tired. so tired. tons of work to complete and start. no sleep. why. really why. "To sleep, perhaps to dream." I can't wait for the semester to be over....

Tonight was a good night...I attended Wing Night and reunited with old friends. It was a good one and now, I can disappear again... It's funny because people around here thought I moved away.... ha sad ): oh Grad School, you consume my life....

Early today, I met up with Mai, Kai and Cody<3! I adore Cody but we never get any work done. Kai watched the New Girl on her laptop, Mai disappeared for a bit lol and Cody and I made jokes, but tried to relate it to the reading or an assignment ha! That kid... ha My Grad school buddies. I should make the best of it. This will be my last time, partying it up like a college girl.. ha blaaah

Ocean

I'm thirty since saturday, October 26. I can't believe it... I think when i apply myself, I look my age -___- thats pretty scary ha

SO i'm bummed, Halloween is tomorrow and I still have this ridiculous cold sore on the side of my mouth ): blaah my life. ha. wqaaah! It's like high school all over again ha

Rad news: I got accepted into Kappa Delta Pi, International honor society. Seems cool. I should learn how to take care of my nails. I need a manicure. My nails are growing beautifully, strong (: but they're getting too long -___- le sigh. I started taking Biotin a couple of days ago. My eyelashes are already pretty long and full, so i hope it adds volume. I should do some research to see if it has any adverse effects for those already blessed hahaha

Nothing new has happened but I did have a good birthday. I also feel my birthdays are becoming a pattern or a coincidence. Last year, I had a random hook-up and this year I might have repeated the act, but I hope this one will hang around. Amazing (:

I'm such a loser.

But Sad News: Lou Reed, don't leave me. Masturbation will never be the same again lol You'll be missed. And Still hot at 71, Great life kid (: Thank you for all the svveet-ass tunes (: You'll be here forever

Okay, I'm going to end it here.